You are considering a separation, or you have already decided that you are going to get a divorce. You might worry about telling the children. How do you do that as best as possible? How can you help them through this difficult period and save them from unnecessary traumas? How can you prepare? What do you pay attention to? What do you need to know? What should you and should you not do?
Many parents cannot oversee everything in the first phase of the divorce, they don’t know where to start or they are so overcome with emotions that it will affect them or their children.
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It is not the divorce itself which leaves the biggest wounds. It is more important how you as parents deal with this, how you deal with your emotions, with each other and with the divorce.
A child has the ability to carry on with his/her life after a divorce. They need your help with this.
Seeing a divorce as a phase, instead of a failure, gives a whole different view on the divorce. If you see the divorce as a (painful) phase where you can learn new things about yourself and the other parent, then you put yourself in a position of personal growth as a person instead of in ‘survival mode’.
Why should you buy the full book?
How Do We Tell the Children? is one great invitation to learn from mistakes, to develop that which you do not know and to listen to what you and your children need. I promise that this book will help you put your child first at the start of your divorce! It gives advice on how to take care of yourself and give your child the attention he/she needs.
You can make a difference!
Respectful Divorce as a New Beginning
The book contains a step-by step practical guide to prepare the talk with your child(ren), to have the talk and to make sure that the message lands as well as possible with the child(ren). Each step is followed by a chapter that gives you concrete tools about the same topic:
Step 1: the divorce announcement
Step 2: dealing with emotions and feelings
Step 3: asking for help
Step 4: preparing together
Step 5: telling the children together
Step 6: shaping the divorce
Step 7: short-term and long-term aftercare
In addition to the 7 steps, the compass of RESPECT is a handy tool to provide support during difficult conversations in the divorce process. Each letter in the word RESPECT can help you to find the right tone. Each time you take a decision about the conversation with the children, you can use this to test it. By using the compass of RESPECT in each conversation, each decision and each exercise, you can test if you are still going in the right direction and making the right choices.
R: Respect. Am I doing this respectfully? Respectfully for myself, the children, the other parent, the family?
E: Emotion. Does this emotion contribute to the decision-making or would it be better if I went to someone to share my emotions and calm down?
S: Support. Is this decision supported by both of us or am I disconnected?
P: Productive. Is the way we are talking to each other productive or not?
E: Empathy. Do I have empathy for myself, the children and the other parent?
C: Contact. Am I in contact with the kind of quality I would like to have? Am I in contact with what is good for the children? Am I in contact with the other parent?
T: Tone of voice. What tone of voice am I using? Accusatory? Questioning? Choose a tone of voice that is productive.
E-book summary (20 pages)
In the free e-book you will find numerous tips, steps and other valuable content compiled from the book “How Do We Tell the Children? Respectful Divorce as a New Beginning”.
The free e-book contains the 7 steps and the use of the compass of RESPECT in a nutshell.
In the complete book you will find exercises, deepening chapters about changes in the family system, ages, loyalty (conflicts), pain, sadness, shock and trauma and love and pain in relationships.
The complete book contains 180+ pages. The last chapter about books for parents and children, organisations, products, documents and school and divorce will be available online at the end of january 2018.
About the author
My name is Anne Buiskool.
Mediator, divorce ceremony celebrant and author of the book “How Do We Tell the Children? Respectful Divorce as a new Beginning”.
Together with the father of my daughter, I gave shape to co-parenting in a sustainable relationship. Our daughter is happy with how we did it. The choice to help parents to have a respectful divorce, and to remain respectful after the divorce, comes from the realization that what we did is also possible for so many other parents.
I believe that you too can make the change from partners to good collaborating parents, and I promise you, that if you can see the divorce as a process in which you can learn a lot, you will again have a future in which your children and the other parent also have a place which suits the relationship that evolves. An extra gift is that your children will see a human who allows him/herself to fall and get up again, and continues to learn.
Divorce without remorse
I believe that you can look at your divorce from the perspective of wanting to learn. Seeing your divorce as a phase in your development, instead of failure, give you the opportunity to take the lead in your life and set an example for your child(ren). I would like to help you with that.
When I was agitated by a remark from the other side of the table, Anne as mediator knew exactly how to mirror me and my ex-partner’s reactions back to us. Anne’s responses gave me ‘gloves’ to address the hot topics without getting burned. Working towards a healthy understanding with my ex-partner, apart from being confronting, felt very safe, focusing on the essentials, and healing. Healing by making me aware of my own part in this. And taking responsibility gave me strength! After addressing the hot topics, all communication followed with respect and we were more at ease. Along the way we found a style which suited us both, and every now and then there was a sore point and Anne would look over our shoulders with us. In short, she helped us to divorce with our heads and hearts…Anne, thank you for your support!
I have to stress that what Anne has done is groundbreaking. I have gained an unbelievable amount of insight into our relationship and relationships in general. It has saved my relationship with Peter for the time being and made it more harmonious. Anne has so much experience and knowledge and she brings this without judgement, which meant the sessions were very honest and balanced. Thank you, Anne, I will recommend you to everyone!
Anne has helped me enormously from ‘not knowing anymore’ to ‘having an open and honest conversation’ and doing this with courage, without knowing what the result will be and just having faith. Anne identified straight away what I could change and gave me the tools do it; the result is that my relationship with my wife is now alive again!
Available for international Zoomcalls (30 minutes for free.)
Condition: Prepair, know your question and focus on one item concerning you. What can you do?
Private Facebookgroup for those that buy the ebook and/or download the free ebook.
“If the heart remains open, then the connection does not need to be broken.”